that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
