You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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