it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
