There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
