i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I want her autograph on my taint
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
