she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
