A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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