turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize