Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
