You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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