well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
