Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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