My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
