I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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