i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
