College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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