im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
