so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
