you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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