My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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