i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
