she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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