the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize