i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
