I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize