I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
