my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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