nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
