Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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