Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
