I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
