My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
