He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Houston, we have a blender
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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