I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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