I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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