Im at strip club and am horny
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
someone owes me an orgasm
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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