My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
