it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
