i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
