I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
