i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
