my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
