sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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