The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
