i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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