Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
