i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
