i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize