So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
