I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
