i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Drake has all the answers
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
