We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
