I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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