I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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