meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
