The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
