There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
