so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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