They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
