I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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