hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
