So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
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