FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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