If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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